Late for the Sky

Never on Sunday

The Rose Parade is on January 2 this year. That is not New Year's Day. That is Monday. That is not a holiday for everyone. That is just wrong. They claim to have a "never on Sunday" rule. No one I have asked (which constitutes an authoritative, scientific survey) recalls the parade occuring on January 2 in the past. It gets worse. The Rose Bowl, played every year on New Year's Day, on the same day as the parade, is on January 4. Independence Day is July 4, Christmas is December 25 and the Rose Bowl and Parade are January 1. If they are going to change that, they might as well close the churches on Christmas Day. I will turn on HGTV Sunday morning, pretend I'm watching the parade and fling a one-fingered Rose Queen wave at Pasadena Tournament of Roses officials. It's un-American. The terrorists have won. When will Fox News start covering this War on New Year's Day?

Yes, I'm 10 Years Old

and I snickered at this headline.

In case they change it:
Two more rings discovered around Uranus
First additions to planet's ring system in nearly 20 years

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

One final field report about the war on Christmas before I go AWOL. Yesterday I went to lunch at Cheesecake Factory in The Mall, the front lines of the War on Christmas. 10 minutes to drive up the expressway, 15 minutes to get in the lot and park. Let me just say that my workload is fairly heavy at this time of year. Add to that the stress of time pressure to get gifts and my clueless desperation about what to get, and you see why I have trouble getting into any holiday spirit. Then, while I'm prowling the lot, stalking the bag-toting shoppers who are theoretically headed for their cars, I, an innocent non-combatant, am fired upon by a Christmas warrior on the radio. This DJ insurgent played some nice Christmas song and, when it finished, wished his listeners "Merry Christmas. That's right, not 'Happy Holidays", Merry Christmas.", neatly excluding anyone who thinks differently from him from any well wishes, joy or peace-on-earth-good-will-toward-men (and women). I really want to enjoy the season, but the War makes it so hard to get the basic merry necessary to sustain holly-jollyness.
This morning I came into work still dispirited. Then I turned on my radio and switched the station to the 24/7 Christmas music station I complained about back in November. They've been playing almost all songs that I like. they're playing lots of secular ones (Chestnuts, Sleigh Ride, Need a Little Christmas); nothing against the religious ones, but these are more upbeat and festive and it has completely lifted my spirits. I can sit sit uncoerced and sing, whistle and enjoy the songs and the spirit. I even enjoyed Burl Ives' Holly Jolly Christmas, a song I usually switch off. Keeping with the war theme, I heard one song I haven't heard in a long time that I like: Someday At Christmas. So, from my spider hole of holiday cheer, once again, take your pick: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays, Eid Mubarak, Cool Kwanzaa in short Season's Greetings.

IO SATURNALIA

We celebrate the Winter Soltice. Today is the beginning of Winter and the shortest span of daylight for the year (check local listings - the Southern Hemisphere will be toasting the Summer Soltice). As Saturn was a Roman god, we learned about Saturnalia when I was taking Latin in High School. My sister and I both took four years of Latin and, interestingly, my marriage is a (much later) result of Susan's Latin Club experience - but that's a story for another day.
While we acknowledged Saturnalia, we also celebrated Christmas in Latin Club. We would walk around the neighborhood singing Christmas carols, ignoring the fact that half the people in the club were Jewish. That's not irony, but it's something like that - farce, maybe.
Our Latin Teacher and Latin Club sponsor was Miss Kron (yes, really) who was a great Latin teacher because she was actually born in ancient Roman times and, according to rumor, had a n affair with Cicero.
To Miss Kron, to my sister and to all of you, Io Saturnalia, Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah and Season's Greetings and Happy Holidays and all that.

Find The "Must Have" Toy For 2005

Mission accomplished.

Regrets and Alphabets

This year's best media error corrections.
Be sure to check out last year's winner - a classic apology from a Kentucky newspaper.

Evolution of the alphabet - sweet.

Japanese emoticons make more sense - since they are not laying on their sides. (It's a sort of alphabet)

The Mother F#@%$R DIED

I thought the mother f#@%$r was dead already. Naw, he burned his a$$ up while freebasing cocaine but he didn't actually die and s#!t then. Aw, yeah I remember; man he was a funny mother f#@%$r!
He was. My firend Marshall and I used to listen to Richard Pryor albums (real record albums on vinyl). Part of the appeal was the taboo language, but his material was good, from imitations of white people to his stuff on his auntie who sucked chicken neck bones. One of his later bits about when he had a heart attack about gave me a heart attack from laughing. Still does. Sadly, it was a heart attack that killed him. Pryors profanity was an accent to his jokes, not the joke itself, like in some of Eddie Murphy's standup. Eddie Murphy is a better actor but Richard Pryor was funnier on stage. He was also funny in movies like Silver Streak. Pryor had MS and was not in the public eye for a long time - so I already was missing him. Now he's gone forever. RIP and s#!t mother f#@%$r

Pops and Paranoia

Every year at this time the world famous Cincinnati Pops put on their Holiday with the Pops show. The show features the Cincinnati Studio Cloggers and since we know a few of the dancers in that group, we've attended the show each of the last 6 years. They use the "H" word in the show's title but the show is predominately about Christmas and includes very religious songs and wishes of Merry Christmas. Don't misinterprete my previous post - I enjoy the show; the songs are beautiful, the dancing is fun and, if someone wishes me "Merry Christmas", I take no offense. I apprecate the good wishes and realize they are not trying to convert me.
The show always starts with an overture consisting of a medley of Hanukkah music. When it is over there is always a palpable sense of "well that's out of the way, now we can get on with the real show". Perhaps we're just paranoid. During the Hanukkah acknowledgement ceremony, two large Hanukkah menorahs (part of the stage decoration) are lit; two members of the cloggers (I don't know why it's always the cloggers) use wands with light bulbs at the end to "light" candles that likewise have electric lights in them. The first year that we went to the show, the tall menorahs were placed at the front of the stage. Then they moved to the sides, mid-stage. This year they are shorter and way at the back of the stage, so that you almost have to be up in the balcony to see them behind the orchestra. Next year I suspect they will be backstage and be lighted in a pre-concert ceremony which the audience will not have to endure.
Last night was the first show of 5 performances and was the one we attended. The elderly gentleman sitting behind me (who was elderly even in relation to the audience mean age of 63.2) was reading the program prior to the show and noted the Hanukkah overture and other songs on the program. He turned to his somewhat-less-elderly daughter and remarked, in the elderly person's impression of a whisper that can be heard half-way across the room, "They have some beautiful songs. Heh, heh, look what they start out with... that ought to appease their patrons." When the overture was over, he remarked to his son (who had arrived after the first comment) "That ought to make the Jews happy, haw, haw, haw." Aw, yes it warmed my heart. I'm not sure what to make of the fact that he seems to believe it's the Jews who primarily support the arts in Cincinnati but then also seems to somewhat resent the inclusion of Hanukkah in the musical mix. Whatever.
Once again, I think a Christmas tree should be a Christmas tree, not a holiday tree. I don't mind anyone wishing me a Merry Chistmas. I don't think stores should fire anyone for saying it, but I don't think anyone should be offended by a clerk saying "Happy Holidays" or should boycott the store for that policy or try and legislate against the policy. I do think Christmas pagents don't belong in schools but I also believe that no student should be prohibited from saying "Merry Christmas". I think that nativity scenes, menorrahs or any other religious symbols should be kept off public property, but that George Bush can send a Christmas card to Christians at public expense if he wants to. I just don't understand the people who would get angry because he sends them a "Happy Holidays" card. As my previous post said, I feel sorry that their anger prevents their enjoyment of the season. And now I know that I am right to feel sorry for them - they are mentally ill. That's good to know because those biased people, as I mentioned, are starting making me angry/depressed/sad with their efforts to punish anyone who had a happy holiday spirit instead of the Christmas spirit. I am becoming unable to work or do anything because of it. I live in fear, knowing those paranoid sickos are out to get me.

War of Words

To answer Susan's question, yes I've been busy - November and December are crunch time for me at work. I've also not posted because I've been so angry/frustrated/depressed about the supposed "War on Christmas". People who want to "put Christ back in Christmas" really believe that the way to start is to boycott retailers who won't slap a "Merry Christmas" on their merchandise? The glow from millions of Christmas lights must be blinding them to the irony.
I feel sorry for the bitter people who believe in this imaginary war on Christmas and suspect that the malls have weapons of Mass destruction. These people are free to celebrate Christmas in their churches and their homes, complete with Nativity scenes and inflated Santa Clauses. Yet they can’t enjoy their freedom because the public square doesn’t have a manger display. Their radios are blasting Christmas music, their TVs are running Christmas movies non-stop, their friends and family are shouting joyous “Merry Christmas” wishes to them but they can’t hear them because they are still stunned by the cruel taunts of store clerks wishing them “Happy Holidays”. How DARE they?
These people are forced to acknowledge that there are some people with different religious beliefs than theirs and they interpret this as persecution of Christians. They are fortunate they have never been denied jobs or club memberships or respect because of their religion as others have in this country. Yet they so offended by having to share this freedom they can’t appreciate it. It’s very sad. I hope they are able to overcome their self-inflicted war wounds and have a Merry Christmas despite themselves.
What's wrong with people? I felt a little better after seeing Jon Stewart accept responsibility for the war. (Watch the "Secular Central" video)
Then I was saddened again by this story. I know it's not about Christmas but it's simlar in my mind. How can people be so close minded as to deny anyone the right to speak in a different laguage in a school hallway? God forbid (literally) their kids be exposed to the knowledge of different languages, different cultures, different religions.
For all these people I have a song to cheer them me up:

("We Need A Little Christmas")

Haul out the holy
Our Christmas tree will be A - Christmas tree again
When I’m out shopping
Don’t wish a “Happy Holi-DAYS” – to me again nooooowwww
Because there is a war on Christmas
The left wing nuts are in it
We’ve got to boycott Wal-Mart
That’s how we will win it
So let’s fight the war for Christmas
Let right wing Christians spin it
Get the public in a fury
Sue the Jews and stack the jury

So make – Ci-ty Council
Put up a life-size Baby JE-sus manger scene
This Chris-tian nation
Is what the se-cu-lar FOLKS – are endangering nooooooowwww
So enforce the Christmas spirit
Make everyone revere it
Make the pagans fear it---
And strike back at them in anger
Onward Christian soldiers
Fight the war for Christmas now!

Puns Are Like Onions

They have layers........... and sometimes they stink.**
But I like puns.
I haven't read "The Onion" for a while but today I did. I laughed at this article even though many of the puns were really bad.
I like puns because I grew up in a punny family.
My grandfather would often sit quietly while others were talking and then he'd suddenly he'd chime in with a soft voice and a deadly pun. My father is louder but just as funny and quick on the draw with word play. My best friend and I would often have pun duels, seeing who could get the last pun on whatever topic we were talking about.

Samuel Johnson: "If I were punished for every pun I shed,
there would not be left a puny shed of my punnish head."

I must be off.

**Just replace "Ogres" with "puns"

SHREK: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY: Example?

SHREK: Example? Okay. Uh... ogres are like onions.

DONKEY: They stink?

SHREK: Yes. No!

DONKEY: Oh, they make you cry?

SHREK: No!

DONKEY: Oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown and start sprouting little white hairs.

SHREK: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.

DONKEY: Oh... you both have layers... You know, not everybody like onions. Cakes! Everybody likes cakes. Cakes have layers.

SHREK: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes... You dunce, irritating, miniature beast of burden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye bye. See ya later...