GABRIEL
Good morning, God.
GOD
Good morning, Gabriel.
GABRIEL
You look troubled, sir.
GOD
And why shouldn’t I look troubled? Have you seen the Middle East lately? The place where I started everything? Oy! One side kills someone, the other side kills ten, the other ones kill twenty. It’s a mishegoss. I’m working on that and then over here in Spain, for My sake! Those poor people are suffering and I’m trying to comfort them. They’re not very happy with me right now.
GABRIEL
It’s not your fault. They’ve got free will. They choose to kill each other.
GOD
You’re preachin’ to the choir on that one, Gabe. But what did you come to see me about?
GABRIEL
It’s your regular morning briefing, sir. The prayers?
GOD
Oh, yes, yes. What are people asking for?
GABRIEL
There’s a lot of chatter in the United States.
GOD
Ah, more problems with hunger? Racism? Has there been another terrorist attack there. I swear I’m gonna smite somebody if………..
GABRIEL
No sir, it’s not that. Let’s see, there are actually several thank you prayers here from people in Nevada and Alabama. This one says, “Thank God I didn’t have UK in the final four”. This one is from a player, “Thank you God for helping us win.”…
GOD
I don’t influence games, you know. Gambling is Lucifer’s business.
GABRIEL
I just read these, God, I don’t write them.
GOD
Okay, okay, what else?
GABRIEL
There’s a lot of people praying that you make them keep the words “under God” in their pledge of allegiance.
GOD
What?
GABRIEL
See, they have this sort of prayer they say to their flag, promising to be faithful to their country. And they claim to be “one nation under You”
GOD
What do I have to do with it? I never wanted them to split up into different countries in the first place. The United States? Aren’t they the ones who put me on their money?
GABRIEL
Yes sir. In you they trust to, uh, bless their money, I guess.
GOD
That’s so disrespectful. And aren’t they the ones who want to put my commandments all over the place because they are too stupid to remember them?
GABRIEL
Well, it’s an issue of whether they are allowed to pray in schools or have religious displays on government property. Some of them think that the others are trying to stop people from praying to you.
GOD
Don’t they still pray in their homes and in their churches?
GABRIEL
Of course, look at this stack of prayers I’ve got just from yesterday.
GOD
So, let’s recap. There’s a group of people worried that prayer is under attack because they might not be able to use my name in pledging allegiance to some secular government. They are so concerned that they pray to me for help. No one stops them from making those prayers. Don’t they see the irony there?
GABRIEL
Blind faith, sir.
GOD
Right. They are wasting their prayer on such trivia. Why don’t they work for world peace or something important? It’s so meshugah, I could plotz. Send them a flood!
GABRIEL
You don’t do the flood thing anymore.
GOD
Send them locusts – no they’ll just spray pesticides and kill the rest of my creatures. I know, send them two idiots as choices for their leader.
GABRIEL
You did that already, sir.
GOD
Me damn it! I don’t know; let’s give them another baseball strike or something. That’s the only kind of thing they notice. Work on ideas and report back to me.
GABRIEL
Yes sir. Thank you.
GOD
I’ll get back to some real problems.
I used to say you are the next Dave Barry but maybe you're really the next Art Buchwald. Gee I wonder if some day people will say "I think you're the next John Bunyan." Probably only if the person uses a lot of allegory.
Posted by: susan at March 25, 2004 10:23 AMI didn't mean that to come out the way it sounds :( Of course I expect you to be more famous than that other John Bunyan.
Posted by: susan at March 25, 2004 11:02 AMHey, so John, what do you do for a living, anyways? Do you write? Because if you don't, you really should.
Posted by: JennySmith at March 25, 2004 12:45 PMFor a living I'm an accountant - (you call that a living?)
I do make money writing, but it's hard to make a living at it.
With luck and an open-minded creative genius on 700 WLW, the God piece will be on the radio today.
Two of the Martha Stewart songs from a while back were sold, one to the Gary Burbank show (on 700 WLW) and one to American Comedy Network.
The contents of this blog are for the entertainment of the readers only. Reproduction or other use of this material without the express, written permission of the author, 700 WLW, the NFL, the Pope and Osamma Bin Laden is prohibited.
All dieties are the creation of the author and any resemblance to actual dieties, living or dead or risen again, is strictly miraculous.
Celebrity voices were imitated. Consult your physician before reading. Void where prohibited.
Susan
Allegory is now available over the counter. Side effects are rare and include extended metaphor, apologue, visual synmbolism and abstract ideas, sometimes resulting in increased understanding.
john, you really ARE the funniest man i've never met. when are you coming out to vegas? i know this great jewish bakery with matzah ball soup to die for! (and great hamantashen)
Posted by: kat at March 25, 2004 01:57 PMUsually we go at Spring break but this year Susan is coming to see us.
I hope it won't be long before we get to LV - I haven't been there in a while. Then Susan can introduce us all.
I love bakeries without regard to race religion or national origin. And matzo ball soup and hamentaschen - Yum!
BTW, I have been to the Jewish bakery that Kathryn talks about. It is very good. Get their bagels and take some home!!!
Posted by: JennySmith at March 25, 2004 06:31 PMMe damn it...I'm still chortling over that one...
Posted by: Jennifer McNamee at March 25, 2004 11:54 PM